when I go back to school I want people to notice how thin I've gotten. I want people to notice me for once. I want to look and feel pretty. but most of all I want people to be shocked on how much I've changed. I refuse to be labelled as a stoner or that girl who will go and make out with anyone or the slut or the girl with anger issues or the biggest stoners best friend, I'm scared for high school honestly a lot of people don't like me. I probably should have hung out with people my age and not go sesh in the forest with grade 11s and 12s. I'm considered one of the kids in a "bad crowed" the kind of people you try to stay away from. honestly it's because I'm not afraid if you talk shit I will go up to you and punch you in the face, this year i got suspended because I threw a punch at some kid who called me fat and because I pushed some guy into his locker bc he was talking shit and I went to a dance and  punched this girl in the face and she threw me to the ground and started punching me and kicking me some guys picked me up off the ground I just laughed about it and walked away even though I was really fucking hurt plus I lied to the cops about what happened. I've had a shitty past and I can't deal with it well, I mean my so called "dad" beat the shit out of me all the time, my step bro friends would try to sleep with me and some tried raping me. my step mom tried to make me loose weight she smacked me around every once and while I couldn't fight back bc if I  did she'd get my dad and i'd get an ass whooping. I mean everyone knew what was going on my friends, the school,m y therapist, the church, and my best friends parents. no one really gave a damn about me so I started  not to give a damn about myself. that's when things got worse, i remember my dad would yell at me and I would pinch my skin till he was done yelling, it was just a relief, at that point I felt like it was my fault and that everything that was happening to me was okay. I started burning myself at first, not badly. then it escalated to cutting and I have scars but I try to hide them I get new ones a lot, my mom notices but she doesn't care so I don't bother wearing my bracelets anymore. and I tried killing myself when my step brother had walked into my room and we sat there and talk for hours and I cried and he just held me and listened to what I had to say. I still cut that's the only way know how to deal with things. I just feel so fucked up. and clearly Ana has taken over my life. I don't know what to do..